Last night was the first night of E's life that I did not sleep in the same room with her. Justin was with her though while I got some blissfully deep sleep.
Today was the first time I left E with someone besides Justin or Chela. She does not really know anyone besides her immediate family and Chela, so this was a big deal. Unfortunately, due to my juggling a three year old and a job, this was handled with about the same amount of ceremony as returning a video. The entire drop off was probably a minute and thirty seconds, as opposed to the hour and a half (sometimes longer) I used to linger at Henry's school when he first started going. I also sobbed when I left him and with her it was a non-event. But, I only left her for an hour and a half, I was about a mile away, and she had her teacher all to herself (there were two other babies but they were napping). So, definitely different circumstances but I have to say...it's nice to not feel so grief stricken about leaving my baby. It's nice to not feel like my child is going to disintegrate in my absence.
When I came back to get her she was happily playing with toys next to two other babies. The teacher was sitting on the floor next to the three of them. I felt good about that scene. The teacher (Toni) told me E got a little sad for a few minutes (pouty lip and her trademark "ehhhh") when she realized Henry and I were gone. Toni said she cuddled with her and she was fine from that point on.
A few things occurred to me simultaneously when Toni said E was looking around for me:
1. E missed me?
2. E missed me! Hurray!!!!
3. Wow, I'm not micromanaging this teacher. She is a professional. I trust her. I don't normally trust people.
4. I feel okay with E having moments of her day that I do not know about.
5. I feel empowered by E having this tiny bit of independence from me.
6. I feel relieved of the responsibility of sheltering E from every single discomfort that may come her way.
7. I think her discomfort at being in a strange place and having to adapt to it is...good. Adapting to strange environments at 8 months old is certainly not a must-have life experience. But it is what it is.
While E was at "school" Henry and I went to his school-friend's house to swim in their saline pool! She is Chinese-American and her mother is Chinese so their house is very different from ours (I'm pretty sure there was not a single toy he recognized). The kids went off to play and came back later in a child-sized parade dragon. Henry was the head. I of course did not bring my camera so you'll just have to imagine the cuteness. The mom had her tea-things out and some small dishes of nuts, cherries, and dried figs. She prepared some home-made chrysanthemum tea. They own a tea house so I was delighted to drink up and WOW it was yummy. Henry never had tea before and he gulped it down. It was such a quiet peaceful moment, the four of us drinking tea.
When it was time to finish our tea and go, Henry's friend was mad we were leaving so early (he had to nap, I had to get Eleanor) so it was less than an hour and a half we were there. Children being children, the girl angrily said, "I don't want to play with Henry anymore. I want to play with Liam!" Amidst a convulsion of Chinese, I looked over at Henry and he appeared a bit off. I hoped it was because he was 30 min overdo on his nap. He rested his face in his hands and said nothing. When we got to the car his friend came running out and hugged and kissed him. Henry was flat as a pancake. Gave her nothing back. As I drove away he said, "Why did Aryn say that? Why did she say she didn't want to play with me? She wanted to play with Liam? That hurt my feelings."
There really needs to be a word created for the social-emotional pain a parent feels for their child. It's a special, unique pain and deserves it's own word. You see...you see? This is why I am so relieved to not have to carry this same burden with Eleanor (yet, at least). She's tougher. Even if she's not, I've decided she is. She will be. She will have to be.
After picking E up, getting them home and in their respective beds for nap-time, I got ready for work, traded out with Justin and did three back to back therapy sessions and sped home to join my family for dinner. I walked in and Justin looked a bit...ashen. I could tell immediately something happened. He told me he had his worst parenting moment ever.
I bought peaches and one was not exactly ready to eat. I knew this when I cut it up for Henry and so I just ate most of it myself. But in my rush to leave for work I did not put it back and Justin gave some to Eleanor. It looked like a sweet juicy peach but if you bit it you could tell it was more like an apple. Justin had to do the Heimlich. She is fine. But Justin wants to sleep with her tonight.
What a day for my babies.
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