When I lose my sh**

It does not happen very often. Prior to children, maybe only once a year, even. When I have proper childcare (Henry is at school and E is taken care of, minimum 15 hrs a week) I can go weeks and weeks w/o losing it. But one week...ONE WEEK of no childcare for Henry and only 3 hours total for E, and I lost it almost once a day.

The sad thing is that none of it is ever Henry's fault even though it is always directed at him. For instance, yesterday I was putting E down for her nap and she did this miraculous thing. She fell asleep while I was nursing her. While this was the requirement for Henry to take naps back in the day, for Eleanor it is a rare bonding-treat for me. I was enjoying the back and forth in the chair and her little sounds and closed eyelids , the hum of the white noise, the sunshine through a parted curtain, and then SCREAMS from the kitchen. They woke Eleanor up. And they made me see red because I knew it was going to be about something that did not warrant such a scream. And I was right. I bolted out of the chair with a now wide awake and terrified E and yelled at him. Then he had something to cry about. I know my losing it does not help. It makes it worse. And worse and worse. And then I get pleading sobs, "Please don't be mad at me, mooooooom." which is like the most awful thing to ever hear your kid say, and then I am instantly sorry and feel terrible and want to crush Henry in my bosom and beg forgiveness. Nice, huh? Good parenting all around, I say.

I can be a stay at home mom for one. I can't do it with two. Not at this age. Their needs are just so different--it's impossible to make all three of us happy.

This morning I was feeding E and wondering why I do not feel as close to her at this point as I did Henry. I'm not sure why it's taken me almost 9 months to figure this out but obviously it's because her and I are never alone together. My attention is always divided between her and Henry. She gets me a lot but rarely solo. And when dad is around during the weekend I want family time--the four of us. And even when her and I are alone briefly, my mind can be elsewhere and I'm exhausted. I guess I never really thought about all that before E arrived. I thought it would be the same with her as it was with H. I was really looking forward to those dates to the grocery store and afternoons lying around, but now they are double dates and the lying around includes protecting her head from the three year old jumping up and down next to us.

It's not all work though. It's pretty great to see Henry and Eleanor laughing at each other, which is a daily occurrence. They both are doing this thing now where they blow water out of their mouths at the table and then laugh hysterically at each other. And her laugh makes Henry laugh more which makes E laugh more which makes me laugh.

Good times, indeed.